March 2010 ~ JILBABY DIARIES♥

The good thing about me is that, I chose my own emotions, it feels strange just typing that, because it would be ironic for me to chose my feelings, actually scrap that, how can I chose my emotions when one day I am overly-hyper and happy and the next I feel confused and unhappy? But wait. What if emotions and feelings have different meanings in my head? Because emotions is a sense or nerve in us that can be decided by our brain, where as feeling can be derived from that emotion, and it is uncontrollable and can overwhelm us? Aha, all sounds ridiculus. But it makes sense to me.

How shall I simplify what I am trying to say? Wait, why do I type what I am thinking, there is a such thing as backspace, I could’ve just deleted my errors?! Aha, I want you to read it to see how my chain of thoughts process. Clever.
Anyways, so my point was I feel as though I chose my own emotions, and this is because quite often words hurt us, a lot. Strangely to me, if the words uttered were intended to be insulting and cause harm, and the person it is coming from is doing this out of spite, or any negative trait, THEN I do feel like I can control my emotions… this is because, instead of feeling torn from those insults, I CHOSE to feel sorry for that wicked hearted person for being so cruel.

All in all, today I had an unpleasant experience, whereby I felt patronised, and despised by my Geography teacher. She looks at me with psychological torture aimed at me pin-pointedly. Uhg. She used to like me last year, and now all of a sudden there is friction, extreme tension in lessons as she manipulates me, and believe me, I am not over-thinking this situation, I didn’t even realise she didn’t like me until it got repetitive, she favoured some students, and would make sly remarks stating ‘some people in this class will get better than others because they put more effort’ and looks directly at them, then faces the ‘under achievers’ and states, ‘others will be happy with their low levels’?>! UHGHHH. Then, she glares at me with her blunt face and grins at me. I don’t understand. Really, I used to get along with her, she was so funny, until I noticed this year that she mimics and mocks students without their knowledge, and she insults other teachers and staff at the school to us?!
OKAY if you don’t like the school, nor the staff that’s your business, but she is too confident in telling us her hate towards our school, it makes me worried, because if she can talk without shame to us about other teachers, imagine then how she will talk about US students to teachers without remorse? Do you see what I mean? It says a lot about someone how they mention others around you- because that’s how they may mention you in your absence.

(FEELING?) >

Anyways, my teacher doesn’t have a degree in Geography, and now she is constantly being assessed by the geography department authority to measure her teaching methods. So the class become annoyed at the fact that we are constantly having ‘guests’ or ‘senior staff’ watch our lessons. Frankly I find it funny. It’s hilarious seeing the transition between our normal lessons where sometimes we don’t have a slide, she sits on the table and gossips about tv etc, and we spend ages on 1 book, then 2 seconds on our coursework, and before you know it WOOPTY DOO exams are here, and she has the audacity and to lecture us about these exams being ‘OUR EXAMS’ and that we should have done so much reading and work miraculously.

What really saddens me, is the fact that she asks us a question, and at the beginning of the year I would be one of the only students answering, everyone else would stare at her, blank, knowing she would tell us the answer anyways, because no matter what our interpretation of a text is, hers is ultimately better. So, I spoke to some people in class, and asked them why they never answer questions, and GUESS WHAT. It turns out everyone knows the answer, they’re just too afraid to say the answer!
I was given the advice, by a peer, to go home, and do my own revision because I shouldn’t rely on my teacher, because and I quote “She’s useless.”
So I did, and I stopped answering questions in class gradually. I became independent, I would do my own work, in my own space, and when I came to class I already knew what my teacher was asking us, but I didn’t answer the questions, for 2 reasons, one because it was interesting seeing her reaction to us not answering questions because before we got a chance to think really she would instantly, without doubt assume that we don’t know what she is talking about, she would complain about teaching us because she is ‘spoon feeding us’ and at many times I felt like shouting out I ALREADY DID THIS MYSELF AT HOME, stop thinking your my life saviour. But I just watched, saw the looks she would give me, and make excuses for those ‘favourites’ of hers. Two, because of something that happened in my other class.

There are these students who are in 2 of my lessons, I have never had a problem with them essentially, however it turns out that they don’t like me, and have been scorning me, getting annoyed by every time I spoke in lessons, and making fun of me without me being aware. This went on for a while and I had no idea. A honest friend- class mate approached me when this had gotten severe, and told me about this whole situation, I found out that they didn’t like me because they thought I behaved like I was a ‘KNOW IT ALL GEEK’ hahaha. I’m far from a geek, but hey it’s a compliment, idm having people not like me because I am good?
Although I thought this wouldn’t have affected me I started changing in class, keeping my eyes open for them laughing at me, and all of a sudden I noticed. Every time my geography teacher would speak to me, they would all go pin-drop silent and listen, then if they had a chance to laugh at me, laugh. My friends were supportive. It got tough at times. Both teacher and foe’s allying against me. I really didn’t know why. Some people could become suicidal at this thought. But I, on the other hand, like a said to start with aren’t. Because I can control my emotions.

My teacher gave me C grades throughout the entire year last year, and B grade this whole year. I don’t understand. Why can I not progress to A grade. Those students she likes, have gotten B’s and A’s throughout. But I am being restricted. Probably because of this narrow label she holds of me.

So today, she was being intimidating, rude and conniving. She does things to set the class against each other, for instance, there’s an eastern European student in my class who love’s volunteering to read, and every time they read, those disrespectful students giggle in silence at his accent. And to be truthful at first I would smile and laugh not realising that it wasn’t just because he was desperate to always read and would read SUPER slow, but they and MY TEACHER, would hide under the covers of the book and laugh at him with evil intent. So I felt disturbed at the complete low level my teacher- and them, were for being so cruel to him, seriously, the whole class was aware he was being laughed at.
When all these seniors would come to our class to assess us, our teacher got suspicious, she thought another teacher was jealous of her position, or had been complaining about her, so as a class we became annoyed by the other teachers constantly complaining about us- Although we were a concern because a lot of us had no idea how to even answer the first exam question, still she was teaching us context.

(NOW THEY WAKE UP)

Then, the class became aware of her bad teaching and each lesson became slow, dragged on, and nobody spoke except our teacher. To the point where she once got frustrated at us not participating or speaking and she just took her laptop out and said ‘if you don’t contribute then I won’t teach’ and she sat there, we sat there. In silence, no one spoke, we weren’t those bad students who talked over her, we just learnt to listen to her endless speaking, and our thoughtless minds would be fed by her, and only her interpretations.
Our teacher quickly needed to use clever techniques to make us all united once again, to make us all contribute and speak up in lessons, because after all she was going to be assessed, and monitored, her ‘high position as a teacher’ would be at threat if we didn’t have the optimism to succeed, so do you know what she did. Haha, this is where it gets interesting. She cleverly used a scheme of consecutive lectures to put us in the right mood to BAM suddenly like her again. And it was easy. For a while everyone hated her, even her favourites would talk about her behind her back, everyone realised how terrible she was. And now she needed to spring back into our trust circle. So, she first told us how much she likes us, and how badly she wants us to get good grades, then we all sympathised and though ‘heh she’s a genuine teacher’ then she said, (she didn’t need to say this, bare in mind she said this with a sly grin) “Apparently I only need to focus on 5 of you to get A’s” This resulted in the entire class yelling out their complete disagreement with this harsh statement since we all wanted to get A’s! She then explained to us, very clearly that the school system intends only for 5 people to get good, that there’s a focus group, that everyone else is just mediocre. So, the class became furiated, we all suddenly, as she planned became motivated and had a drive to suddenly focus hard and do well, meaning when she is assessed we will make her look good. Bare in mind, those 5 people she was referring to were probably those 5 girls she favourites, she needs to realise she isn’t in high school no more, she needs to become professional. Plus, she probably made up this entire situation, as a effective reverse method to insert emotions and actions into us.

After this, they pointed out that it couldn’t have been a teacher complaining about her, it must have been a student, and BAM she glares at me, and OKAY I am not her biggest fan, hey she’s threatening, but i do not have the capability to complain about her, my class reputation is already eroded and hated, I can’t be bothered to make my life harder. And although I constantly contemplate to tell her that she makes me feel uncomfortable in her lessons and unwelcomed, I never find courage inside me to speak up, what comes around goes around, and soon life will throw her this anguish I’ve felt. So, now at this point the class have disappeared into separate conversations about someone sneaky in our class talking bad about her and exposing her lazy teaching, which is true, and they all were now against our ‘mean’ school and supportive of her ‘truthful’ self. HA! I am not dumb, I was watching and analysing, and seeing her deceit. So did my friend, who told me after I had realised all of this and agree’s with me.
I hate this, but I don’t hate her, nor do I let it hurt me, instead I feel sorry for my teacher, and her future.

Okay, this is by far the longest essay I have written in record timing, if you read all this, shout out to YOU, congratsssss!
Wish me luck as I continue my dreadful experience in this course, I once contemplated to be a teacher. SHALL I?
HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT NOW...