The Depressive Disconnected from Allah State.

"And whoever turns away from My remembrance - indeed, he will have a depressed life" ….. [Quran Sura Ta-Ha 20:124]

These past few months I have been really depressed. Although I thought I was fine, a lot of us going through what I just went through feel ‘fine’. And as my previous depressing posts show, everyone would ask me ‘are you okay’ and I wouldn’t hesitate to respond “I AM FINE!”

Ah! Now I understand what it was, or at least I hope by the end of this blog my chain of thought process coherently to express what I was going through.

Let’s begin.
My heart is attached to God, to Islam to be precise. Without my heart remembering God constantly I feel like I am disappearing into worthlessness. I need to fuel my heart with the remembrance of God. Honestly, that’s why I have been feeling a missing piece inside me.

Whenever I would laugh and banter, I enjoyed myself, and I thought that it was this joy and fun I was craving. I wanted to become ‘busy’ and active, to keep my thoughts occupied- as well as my heart. This is the distraction of Shaytan (devil).
I would watch episodes of drama’s one after the other, and leave to pray, then rush back to watch more. My weekly routine was stuffed crust. Monday to Friday busy with work and school, occasionally working on weekends. Saturday was my social day, and Sunday my own time. Then back to the same ways.

Of course I would pray, all my prayers. But that isn’t sufficient enough to keep my heart engrossed with the remembrance of Allah.
So, this void in my heart spiritually widened, and I felt miserable as result, unaware of what I wanted, or needed. Haha, at first I actually thought it was my social life that was boring and we needed to have more fun, then doing so many things every weekend and high on life, I discovered that it wasn’t this that made me feel anxious, it was my lack of independence, so I began to isolate myself and tend more reading than usual, and more me time, which in return made me more sad, and in fact more aware of my depressive state. So, I conferred with my sister, and understood that I needed to focus on my education, so I studied, had fun with friends, and felt busier than ever, but still not there. By now, my daily prayers were more rushed because of the hectic routine I was in.

Then, it was my cousins wedding in Norway, not too long ago, which meant I got to go for a nice holiday- get away from chaos, mayhem and melancholy. I really enjoyed myself, pondered. Danced. Talked a lot. Ate a lot. And lastly, realised a lot.
I came back home, happier than ever, yet as my previous posts show, more confused than ever. I was happy inside but showing more depression on the outside. I loved the beautiful scenery of Norway which put me in Awe. However, when I returned I only became more isolated, sad, and confused with my mixed emotions. No long bath, ice-cream session or detox could eradicate this state I was in.

SO here I am now, I had a shower to freshen myself. Went upstairs to prepare myself for prayer, and really contemplate my relationship with my Creator. That was it.

Oh, my heart went from dusty depression, to bright red reconnection, as I finally understood what I missed the most, and craved the most. I don’t know who I was trying to be like, and I have forgotten why I even tried to delude myself, because happiness truly lies with my heart belonging to Allah.

Now, I aim to keep my prayers nice and slow, with clear intention, soft reading, and a hopeful, fearful, and loving heart that speaks to my Lord, everyday with sincerity.

I really needed this amendment, and it was such a long time. My eyes don’t deserve to be this dry, they miss the moisture, my heart longs to speak constantly to Allah, and I on the other hand, have become so much more happier realising that when I do something that distracts me from reward gaining, I need to return this with good deeds, and chase good deeds very often.
Because before when I was in that state… hmm let me give it a name… ‘Depressive, disconnected from Allah’ state I was still reading Islamic reminders, still fulfilling my usual acts of ibaada, but I felt this disconnection, and I really don’t want Allah to be upset with me, I want him to love me, more and more than I love him, and I want him to forgive me, keep guiding me, and protect me from that destructive state!

I want to love to meet Allah, with plenty good deeds being a good human, instead of a thrill-seeking, fun-seeking, and desire-seeking life! Which in my opinion on leads to a door where your limits have reached of what you can do, so you look over the rear and discover you have certain boundaries, why follow those who don’t have the same principles and boundaries as you when you aim for two complete different lifestyles.

To conclude. To escape this depression, you must be open to criticisms, to understand what you don’t, and be patient with your dua’s, keep asking for guidance, and soon it will arrive, upon the day you complete many good deeds.