Saturday 29 March 2014
Thursday 27 March 2014
How to balance regularity of social life
I wonder, is it healthy that I have such a open and regular and widespread social life, and I don't mean with my friends in the mall social, I mean that I use instagram, blogger, Tumblr, twitter, Facebook, wattpad, whatsapp, mydeen pages, YouTube, and many more I am forgetting. All of these sites I am a committed and regular user. So unhealthy right? 
Tuesday 18 March 2014
Sunday 16 March 2014
The Depressive Disconnected from Allah State.
"And whoever turns away from My remembrance - indeed, he will have a depressed life" ….. [Quran Sura Ta-Ha 20:124]
These past few months I have been really depressed. Although I thought I was fine, a lot of us going through what I just went through feel ‘fine’. And as my previous depressing posts show, everyone would ask me ‘are you okay’ and I wouldn’t hesitate to respond “I AM FINE!”
Ah! Now I understand what it was, or at least I hope by the end of this blog my chain of thought process coherently to express what I was going through.
Let’s begin.
My heart is attached to God, to Islam to be precise. Without my heart remembering God constantly I feel like I am disappearing into worthlessness. I need to fuel my heart with the remembrance of God. Honestly, that’s why I have been feeling a missing piece inside me.
Whenever I would laugh and banter, I enjoyed myself, and I thought that it was this joy and fun I was craving. I wanted to become ‘busy’ and active, to keep my thoughts occupied- as well as my heart. This is the distraction of Shaytan (devil).
I would watch episodes of drama’s one after the other, and leave to pray, then rush back to watch more. My weekly routine was stuffed crust. Monday to Friday busy with work and school, occasionally working on weekends. Saturday was my social day, and Sunday my own time. Then back to the same ways.
Of course I would pray, all my prayers. But that isn’t sufficient enough to keep my heart engrossed with the remembrance of Allah.
So, this void in my heart spiritually widened, and I felt miserable as result, unaware of what I wanted, or needed. Haha, at first I actually thought it was my social life that was boring and we needed to have more fun, then doing so many things every weekend and high on life, I discovered that it wasn’t this that made me feel anxious, it was my lack of independence, so I began to isolate myself and tend more reading than usual, and more me time, which in return made me more sad, and in fact more aware of my depressive state. So, I conferred with my sister, and understood that I needed to focus on my education, so I studied, had fun with friends, and felt busier than ever, but still not there. By now, my daily prayers were more rushed because of the hectic routine I was in.
Then, it was my cousins wedding in Norway, not too long ago, which meant I got to go for a nice holiday- get away from chaos, mayhem and melancholy. I really enjoyed myself, pondered. Danced. Talked a lot. Ate a lot. And lastly, realised a lot.
I came back home, happier than ever, yet as my previous posts show, more confused than ever. I was happy inside but showing more depression on the outside. I loved the beautiful scenery of Norway which put me in Awe. However, when I returned I only became more isolated, sad, and confused with my mixed emotions. No long bath, ice-cream session or detox could eradicate this state I was in.
SO here I am now, I had a shower to freshen myself. Went upstairs to prepare myself for prayer, and really contemplate my relationship with my Creator. That was it.
Oh, my heart went from dusty depression, to bright red reconnection, as I finally understood what I missed the most, and craved the most. I don’t know who I was trying to be like, and I have forgotten why I even tried to delude myself, because happiness truly lies with my heart belonging to Allah.
Now, I aim to keep my prayers nice and slow, with clear intention, soft reading, and a hopeful, fearful, and loving heart that speaks to my Lord, everyday with sincerity.
I really needed this amendment, and it was such a long time. My eyes don’t deserve to be this dry, they miss the moisture, my heart longs to speak constantly to Allah, and I on the other hand, have become so much more happier realising that when I do something that distracts me from reward gaining, I need to return this with good deeds, and chase good deeds very often.
Because before when I was in that state… hmm let me give it a name… ‘Depressive, disconnected from Allah’ state I was still reading Islamic reminders, still fulfilling my usual acts of ibaada, but I felt this disconnection, and I really don’t want Allah to be upset with me, I want him to love me, more and more than I love him, and I want him to forgive me, keep guiding me, and protect me from that destructive state!
I want to love to meet Allah, with plenty good deeds being a good human, instead of a thrill-seeking, fun-seeking, and desire-seeking life! Which in my opinion on leads to a door where your limits have reached of what you can do, so you look over the rear and discover you have certain boundaries, why follow those who don’t have the same principles and boundaries as you when you aim for two complete different lifestyles.
To conclude. To escape this depression, you must be open to criticisms, to understand what you don’t, and be patient with your dua’s, keep asking for guidance, and soon it will arrive, upon the day you complete many good deeds.
These past few months I have been really depressed. Although I thought I was fine, a lot of us going through what I just went through feel ‘fine’. And as my previous depressing posts show, everyone would ask me ‘are you okay’ and I wouldn’t hesitate to respond “I AM FINE!”
Ah! Now I understand what it was, or at least I hope by the end of this blog my chain of thought process coherently to express what I was going through.
Let’s begin.
My heart is attached to God, to Islam to be precise. Without my heart remembering God constantly I feel like I am disappearing into worthlessness. I need to fuel my heart with the remembrance of God. Honestly, that’s why I have been feeling a missing piece inside me.
Whenever I would laugh and banter, I enjoyed myself, and I thought that it was this joy and fun I was craving. I wanted to become ‘busy’ and active, to keep my thoughts occupied- as well as my heart. This is the distraction of Shaytan (devil).
I would watch episodes of drama’s one after the other, and leave to pray, then rush back to watch more. My weekly routine was stuffed crust. Monday to Friday busy with work and school, occasionally working on weekends. Saturday was my social day, and Sunday my own time. Then back to the same ways.
Of course I would pray, all my prayers. But that isn’t sufficient enough to keep my heart engrossed with the remembrance of Allah.
So, this void in my heart spiritually widened, and I felt miserable as result, unaware of what I wanted, or needed. Haha, at first I actually thought it was my social life that was boring and we needed to have more fun, then doing so many things every weekend and high on life, I discovered that it wasn’t this that made me feel anxious, it was my lack of independence, so I began to isolate myself and tend more reading than usual, and more me time, which in return made me more sad, and in fact more aware of my depressive state. So, I conferred with my sister, and understood that I needed to focus on my education, so I studied, had fun with friends, and felt busier than ever, but still not there. By now, my daily prayers were more rushed because of the hectic routine I was in.
Then, it was my cousins wedding in Norway, not too long ago, which meant I got to go for a nice holiday- get away from chaos, mayhem and melancholy. I really enjoyed myself, pondered. Danced. Talked a lot. Ate a lot. And lastly, realised a lot.
I came back home, happier than ever, yet as my previous posts show, more confused than ever. I was happy inside but showing more depression on the outside. I loved the beautiful scenery of Norway which put me in Awe. However, when I returned I only became more isolated, sad, and confused with my mixed emotions. No long bath, ice-cream session or detox could eradicate this state I was in.
SO here I am now, I had a shower to freshen myself. Went upstairs to prepare myself for prayer, and really contemplate my relationship with my Creator. That was it.
Oh, my heart went from dusty depression, to bright red reconnection, as I finally understood what I missed the most, and craved the most. I don’t know who I was trying to be like, and I have forgotten why I even tried to delude myself, because happiness truly lies with my heart belonging to Allah.
Now, I aim to keep my prayers nice and slow, with clear intention, soft reading, and a hopeful, fearful, and loving heart that speaks to my Lord, everyday with sincerity.
I really needed this amendment, and it was such a long time. My eyes don’t deserve to be this dry, they miss the moisture, my heart longs to speak constantly to Allah, and I on the other hand, have become so much more happier realising that when I do something that distracts me from reward gaining, I need to return this with good deeds, and chase good deeds very often.
Because before when I was in that state… hmm let me give it a name… ‘Depressive, disconnected from Allah’ state I was still reading Islamic reminders, still fulfilling my usual acts of ibaada, but I felt this disconnection, and I really don’t want Allah to be upset with me, I want him to love me, more and more than I love him, and I want him to forgive me, keep guiding me, and protect me from that destructive state!
I want to love to meet Allah, with plenty good deeds being a good human, instead of a thrill-seeking, fun-seeking, and desire-seeking life! Which in my opinion on leads to a door where your limits have reached of what you can do, so you look over the rear and discover you have certain boundaries, why follow those who don’t have the same principles and boundaries as you when you aim for two complete different lifestyles.
To conclude. To escape this depression, you must be open to criticisms, to understand what you don’t, and be patient with your dua’s, keep asking for guidance, and soon it will arrive, upon the day you complete many good deeds.
Friday 14 March 2014
Thursday 13 March 2014
Dear Earth, I'm sorry, I hope my Passion drives me to success.
The way to be successful in something is to have a drive, a motivation, and this ultimately derives from passion. All around me I am reminded of my desire to help others.
Today in class we started a new topic about social control, and a sub topic on mass crime in relation to state war. It hurt me being reminded of those humans, just like me, however they were suffering genocide whilst the world remains asleep. 2 Million Sudanese people have died by genocide and ethno-cleansing.
My teacher asked us this... which still lights my thoughts, 'Have our humanity changed, as the human value has changed?' And I wonder. We hear about 1 person dying on the news and we all feel remorseful- true! However, what about those women, children, and men being victimised, tortured, and suffering whilst no attention is being heeded.
Just because it isn't happening here, doesn't mean it isn't happening!
As I sat there in class watching videos and hearing the traumatic disasters facing my fellow humans,something just clicked in my head, like when you re-familiarise something after you had forgotten, or that beautiful feeling of waking up and remembering something beneficial and doing it. Yes. Then I remembered my passion, and crave to become successful and save money so I can travel, I can aid and join charities and support these people!
The lyrics repeat in my head "People killing people dying, where is the love" And I honestly wonder, what has happened to humanity and feeling?
I sincerely believe that the Earth speaks a language and all of us creatures who are made from and return to decay in Earth should comprehend with the Earth's language and needs, and that is care. Animals can understand and comprehend more obediently. Like the case where the Tsunami was about to hit the philippines and the elephants by the beach who were entertainments had escaped and ran away to the mountains where the Tsunami didn't affect.
I believe the voice of humans is crying and the Earth is hearing this cry, those children being ignored and those being tortured. Wild and immoral people wide-spread leaving behind a legacy of arrogancy and capitalism, no love, no unity, I am terribly sorry Earth. I hope that the good people in the world outweigh heavier than those bad!
Today in class we started a new topic about social control, and a sub topic on mass crime in relation to state war. It hurt me being reminded of those humans, just like me, however they were suffering genocide whilst the world remains asleep. 2 Million Sudanese people have died by genocide and ethno-cleansing.
My teacher asked us this... which still lights my thoughts, 'Have our humanity changed, as the human value has changed?' And I wonder. We hear about 1 person dying on the news and we all feel remorseful- true! However, what about those women, children, and men being victimised, tortured, and suffering whilst no attention is being heeded.
Just because it isn't happening here, doesn't mean it isn't happening!
As I sat there in class watching videos and hearing the traumatic disasters facing my fellow humans,something just clicked in my head, like when you re-familiarise something after you had forgotten, or that beautiful feeling of waking up and remembering something beneficial and doing it. Yes. Then I remembered my passion, and crave to become successful and save money so I can travel, I can aid and join charities and support these people!
The lyrics repeat in my head "People killing people dying, where is the love" And I honestly wonder, what has happened to humanity and feeling?
I sincerely believe that the Earth speaks a language and all of us creatures who are made from and return to decay in Earth should comprehend with the Earth's language and needs, and that is care. Animals can understand and comprehend more obediently. Like the case where the Tsunami was about to hit the philippines and the elephants by the beach who were entertainments had escaped and ran away to the mountains where the Tsunami didn't affect.
I believe the voice of humans is crying and the Earth is hearing this cry, those children being ignored and those being tortured. Wild and immoral people wide-spread leaving behind a legacy of arrogancy and capitalism, no love, no unity, I am terribly sorry Earth. I hope that the good people in the world outweigh heavier than those bad!
Tuesday 11 March 2014
How to be comfortable, when you feel uncomfortable
As I travelled, and breathed a new delight of air, I returned to my daily suck machine of reality. My daily routine drains me dry. Vaporises my free spirit. Unlike the calm, free, and welcoming atmosphere in Scandinavia. Where the sky was my friend, and the beach, boats, and mountains whispered to my ears joy. Ah. I genuinely loved it there.
And now, back to London’s hasty rush I feel overwhelmed and drowning by the sting-fish of ‘Busy-ness’. Today amongst the- what used to be regular people, I felt a stranger. Like I didn’t belong, and as if I am a visitor soon to departure. I sat at the back, faded away like a ghost- and looking like one too. If I had a dime for every single time someone asked me “what’s wrong” in this one day alone, I would be a millionaire! My head dragged side to side avoiding people’s unnecessary concern. I was fine. I just needed some time to myself to re-adjust to the loud surroundings of London.
I had realised something important. Firstly, I wasn’t happy, only because the people around me weren’t. And although before my optimism overrid me, when I convinced myself that I didn’t need people to make me happy, but now, I realised happiness is contagious, and I couldn’t façade joy, I just didn’t feel it. Instead I was miserable. But I don’t understand why. Perhaps it was just something to do with the nature of Londoners, as statistics show living standards and happiness in London is almost nothing compared to Scandinavia.
Going back there after a long time, since I grew up there throughout my childhood brought back a lot of happiness, and stress relieve.
I was uncomfortable here in London. What is supposed to be my 'home'. I feel like I fade away amongst the millions of people in busy old London, and although this may be good to me since I don’t like attention that much, joke, no really it would be nice to have less populated cities so that people are more friendly- like in Norway everyone smiles at each other, or recognises one another.
Here, you could walk down the street one day depressed and a lonely addict, and the next day be dead and all those people you passed by the street continue their life completely unaware of your situation, whereas in Scandinavia you would hear the story of the depressed man who died, and you would remember him, recall a time you came into connection with him, and feel terrible for him.
So how do I become comfortable? Do I just brush away my over exaggerated feelings of self anomie and continue my life the way it used to be, banter with my friends, force my old self to precede a life of façade love of busy lifestyle, move on and keep going. Or do I appreciate what I have learnt. Isolate myself from those I dislike and frankly cannot be bothered any longer to pretend to get along. Drag the days across the rough carpet, leaving behind a burning rash- ignore the drilling siren. Time moves on, and although I am grateful of the beautiful cultural and tolerant London, I also wish more, and hope for more. Maybe in the future. But now I have some time to ponder. Hmm.
And now, back to London’s hasty rush I feel overwhelmed and drowning by the sting-fish of ‘Busy-ness’. Today amongst the- what used to be regular people, I felt a stranger. Like I didn’t belong, and as if I am a visitor soon to departure. I sat at the back, faded away like a ghost- and looking like one too. If I had a dime for every single time someone asked me “what’s wrong” in this one day alone, I would be a millionaire! My head dragged side to side avoiding people’s unnecessary concern. I was fine. I just needed some time to myself to re-adjust to the loud surroundings of London.
I had realised something important. Firstly, I wasn’t happy, only because the people around me weren’t. And although before my optimism overrid me, when I convinced myself that I didn’t need people to make me happy, but now, I realised happiness is contagious, and I couldn’t façade joy, I just didn’t feel it. Instead I was miserable. But I don’t understand why. Perhaps it was just something to do with the nature of Londoners, as statistics show living standards and happiness in London is almost nothing compared to Scandinavia.
Going back there after a long time, since I grew up there throughout my childhood brought back a lot of happiness, and stress relieve.
I was uncomfortable here in London. What is supposed to be my 'home'. I feel like I fade away amongst the millions of people in busy old London, and although this may be good to me since I don’t like attention that much, joke, no really it would be nice to have less populated cities so that people are more friendly- like in Norway everyone smiles at each other, or recognises one another.
Here, you could walk down the street one day depressed and a lonely addict, and the next day be dead and all those people you passed by the street continue their life completely unaware of your situation, whereas in Scandinavia you would hear the story of the depressed man who died, and you would remember him, recall a time you came into connection with him, and feel terrible for him.
So how do I become comfortable? Do I just brush away my over exaggerated feelings of self anomie and continue my life the way it used to be, banter with my friends, force my old self to precede a life of façade love of busy lifestyle, move on and keep going. Or do I appreciate what I have learnt. Isolate myself from those I dislike and frankly cannot be bothered any longer to pretend to get along. Drag the days across the rough carpet, leaving behind a burning rash- ignore the drilling siren. Time moves on, and although I am grateful of the beautiful cultural and tolerant London, I also wish more, and hope for more. Maybe in the future. But now I have some time to ponder. Hmm.
Friday 7 March 2014
Tuesday 4 March 2014
I think I have superpowers?
I SWEAR. A moment ago I envisaged what would happen if the centre table in the cafe where the 'cool' girls sit was taken by the 'not so cool' girls! AND IT HAPPENED BEFORE MY VERY EYES. It was deep. I watched them walk in through the doors, stand still. Erect. And frozen. Probably thinking omd why are these no-lives sitting on 'our seat'
HA. They had to come and sit on the ordinary seats. Mohaha. Funny thing is, I was sitting with my friends and thought to myself why have I never seen them ever sit on the normal tables? Hmm, I wondered, would they? Since the start of college 2 years ago, they never have. I like this rebellion, from good girls to brave girls! WE STAND. Fight for the centre table. Hahaa, AND IT HAPPEND. So cool.
Monday 3 March 2014
Sunday 2 March 2014
March, Who am I?
There's a constant battle between my eyes wanting to cry and the only bite of logic in my head that reminds me to stay sane. It's as if I need to cry, without purpose. My life is going good right now. What is it with all this commotion inside my head. It's a train-wreck! 
This weekend I have learnt some really important life lessons, I really don't know where to start. Firstly, friday evening I was meant to work, but had to cancel my shift because I didn't complete my homework to my teacher's standard or shall I say my rival's standard- and FYI we have repeated those very same essay's in the homework pack at least twice. Once for the essay plan, and twice for the hardnote copy in my folder. I wasn't bothered to write the same essay's again! hence why I did one pack of the essay in detail- because I never done the questions before, and rushed the other pack- BTW in utter, complete, and shameful handwriting. But still, I done it! I am a A* predicted student, and got A*-A's in all my essays, I don't want to sound arrogant, but those essay questions B.O.R.E me! And my teacher wouldn't mind my handwriting nor the fact that I missed out a few paragraphs, but those competitive students in my class, who always pick up my every move had to drag full attention on my paper! They yelled out so the entire class noticed "Miss, you are seriously not going to take that in?" And they were right, as much as I hated having to re-do the essays. One thing I learnt was to hold in my words in a moment like this, I could have exposed their effortless work, and to top the fact that they barely done their essays, but instead I was patient and waited to see what would happen. Lo, and behold! They were kept in, till about 6pm! HA! silent victory mohahaa.
Then, on our journey home, I and my best friends usually talk non-stop. But this Friday was dull. It felt like I was the only person trying to make conversation, and I hate one way conversations because I end up answering myself watching Mel and Ivy stare blank at the far distance. Actually, there was some heart beat bringing Ivy back, we laughed, but I was worried for Mel! Something wasn't right, and she needs some TLC. But with a busy weekend I wouldn't be able to speak to her,not yet. Plus, it might just all be in my head. Maybe she was fine, and I was imagining her to not be. I ended my Friday catching up on TV, and made plans to go shopping Saturday for some heels for the wedding, which was fast approaching! My big sister was going shopping too, but with her best-friend, meaning no intruding from me! So, I called upon my girls!G-Town!but Mel was busy preparing for the family party, which is totally cool! And Ivy and I decided to meet up!#Westfield #HereWeCome!
So, the next day, Saturday morning 1'st March. I overhear my mum is hungry, so I run downstairs and prepared her yummy breaky. Since she was dressed and about to go out she probably had no time to eat, that is until I saw the large saucepan of meat she cooked to this event she was going to. Sweet. I gave her the breakfast but she didn't want it, and didn't see my kind gesture; and my hint for #CashInNeed! I told her i'm going out and needed money money £$£$£$$$$ but we ended up agreeing to disagree. I love my mum, and I just can't argue with her. It's so rude and disrespectful to give your mum backchat, and attitude, so I just remain patient hoping she will come around. Plus, I had my own saved money. Booya!
Whilst, already not in the best mood, my 2 lovely and wonderful big sisters happened to add extra spice to the already hot jalapeno sandwich! Yup- we argued too. I left my house furiated, and angry at how no one sympathises or comforts me, and instead they brush my feelings under the mat because apparently I am not allowed to feel sad because that will only make me a little brat who always gets her way. Okay, my sisters love me, and mean no harm, but their love is tough love, no cheese involved. Ah.
Then, on Sunday, there were a lot of moving around in my house, lot's of guests walking in and out, meaning tea refill and out. My mum bought new furniture for the guest room, which meant the inner hoarder side to my family insinuates the old crap needs to be stored in some magical space in I or my sisters room. I didn't point fingers as to what room the rubbish needs to be put in, but we argued. Again. Gotta love familial arguments, really healthy you know.
After a long day, because I was on my feet quite a lot, back and forth to the laundrette- and there was a football match nearby so the streets were filled with hooligans, who FYI are racist. No more to be said.
I detoxed. Had some ME time, took a long and warm bath, and thought. Just that. And something that kept bursting into my head was,who am I? and how would I define myself? it went something like this...(brief, dont wanna sedate you)
I am a 18 year old girl, who still isn't familiar with myself. I am confused as to what I want, and I won't let much define me. For instance my appearance, although I am short, it branches into a lot of things about me; like the grown insecurities ring-fenced around me. And the fact that I am one of the youngest, meaning I am familiar with being un-heard or un-noticed. My whole life I have been best friends with people I have altruistically cared for, and given more than deserved attention and support to. I would be that friend who has 99 problems but on a Monday morning notice from my best friend's behaviour they aren't okay, something is wrong! But never, have I had that in return. Instead people take advantage of my 5 hour phone calls that drag on because I repeat the same advice, and nail down solutions to my friends dramatic lives,and they refuse to accept their outcomes, and my loyalty- I should hope. I want that in return, I want someone to notice I am unhappy, and make me laugh! Who designated Libra's to be entertainers? As Cher from Clueless would say AS IF! I want to be cheered up when my going gets tough. Not vice-versa for once, palees? pls?
I don't know what I want to be, but my main goal is to be happy, which I will hopefully! I've just got to remain super smiley, and have a positive outlook in life. One day our dreams will preceed.
*However, after all my water soaking and mirroring contemplation I learnt that we never really fully learn who we are. Instead we learn to accept that we grow everyday.*
So, I want to be the same old free spirit I was a while ago. Soon change will come. I don't need my melancholy to affect me daily, What I need is happiness, and to be grateful that I am one step closing to understanding myself. And in the meanwhile, I have accepted to enter the road of search, and the beginning of a new chapter. Thank you March.
This weekend I have learnt some really important life lessons, I really don't know where to start. Firstly, friday evening I was meant to work, but had to cancel my shift because I didn't complete my homework to my teacher's standard or shall I say my rival's standard- and FYI we have repeated those very same essay's in the homework pack at least twice. Once for the essay plan, and twice for the hardnote copy in my folder. I wasn't bothered to write the same essay's again! hence why I did one pack of the essay in detail- because I never done the questions before, and rushed the other pack- BTW in utter, complete, and shameful handwriting. But still, I done it! I am a A* predicted student, and got A*-A's in all my essays, I don't want to sound arrogant, but those essay questions B.O.R.E me! And my teacher wouldn't mind my handwriting nor the fact that I missed out a few paragraphs, but those competitive students in my class, who always pick up my every move had to drag full attention on my paper! They yelled out so the entire class noticed "Miss, you are seriously not going to take that in?" And they were right, as much as I hated having to re-do the essays. One thing I learnt was to hold in my words in a moment like this, I could have exposed their effortless work, and to top the fact that they barely done their essays, but instead I was patient and waited to see what would happen. Lo, and behold! They were kept in, till about 6pm! HA! silent victory mohahaa.
Then, on our journey home, I and my best friends usually talk non-stop. But this Friday was dull. It felt like I was the only person trying to make conversation, and I hate one way conversations because I end up answering myself watching Mel and Ivy stare blank at the far distance. Actually, there was some heart beat bringing Ivy back, we laughed, but I was worried for Mel! Something wasn't right, and she needs some TLC. But with a busy weekend I wouldn't be able to speak to her,not yet. Plus, it might just all be in my head. Maybe she was fine, and I was imagining her to not be. I ended my Friday catching up on TV, and made plans to go shopping Saturday for some heels for the wedding, which was fast approaching! My big sister was going shopping too, but with her best-friend, meaning no intruding from me! So, I called upon my girls!G-Town!but Mel was busy preparing for the family party, which is totally cool! And Ivy and I decided to meet up!#Westfield #HereWeCome!
So, the next day, Saturday morning 1'st March. I overhear my mum is hungry, so I run downstairs and prepared her yummy breaky. Since she was dressed and about to go out she probably had no time to eat, that is until I saw the large saucepan of meat she cooked to this event she was going to. Sweet. I gave her the breakfast but she didn't want it, and didn't see my kind gesture; and my hint for #CashInNeed! I told her i'm going out and needed money money £$£$£$$$$ but we ended up agreeing to disagree. I love my mum, and I just can't argue with her. It's so rude and disrespectful to give your mum backchat, and attitude, so I just remain patient hoping she will come around. Plus, I had my own saved money. Booya!
Whilst, already not in the best mood, my 2 lovely and wonderful big sisters happened to add extra spice to the already hot jalapeno sandwich! Yup- we argued too. I left my house furiated, and angry at how no one sympathises or comforts me, and instead they brush my feelings under the mat because apparently I am not allowed to feel sad because that will only make me a little brat who always gets her way. Okay, my sisters love me, and mean no harm, but their love is tough love, no cheese involved. Ah.
Then, on Sunday, there were a lot of moving around in my house, lot's of guests walking in and out, meaning tea refill and out. My mum bought new furniture for the guest room, which meant the inner hoarder side to my family insinuates the old crap needs to be stored in some magical space in I or my sisters room. I didn't point fingers as to what room the rubbish needs to be put in, but we argued. Again. Gotta love familial arguments, really healthy you know.
After a long day, because I was on my feet quite a lot, back and forth to the laundrette- and there was a football match nearby so the streets were filled with hooligans, who FYI are racist. No more to be said.
I detoxed. Had some ME time, took a long and warm bath, and thought. Just that. And something that kept bursting into my head was,who am I? and how would I define myself? it went something like this...(brief, dont wanna sedate you)
I am a 18 year old girl, who still isn't familiar with myself. I am confused as to what I want, and I won't let much define me. For instance my appearance, although I am short, it branches into a lot of things about me; like the grown insecurities ring-fenced around me. And the fact that I am one of the youngest, meaning I am familiar with being un-heard or un-noticed. My whole life I have been best friends with people I have altruistically cared for, and given more than deserved attention and support to. I would be that friend who has 99 problems but on a Monday morning notice from my best friend's behaviour they aren't okay, something is wrong! But never, have I had that in return. Instead people take advantage of my 5 hour phone calls that drag on because I repeat the same advice, and nail down solutions to my friends dramatic lives,and they refuse to accept their outcomes, and my loyalty- I should hope. I want that in return, I want someone to notice I am unhappy, and make me laugh! Who designated Libra's to be entertainers? As Cher from Clueless would say AS IF! I want to be cheered up when my going gets tough. Not vice-versa for once, palees? pls?
I don't know what I want to be, but my main goal is to be happy, which I will hopefully! I've just got to remain super smiley, and have a positive outlook in life. One day our dreams will preceed.
*However, after all my water soaking and mirroring contemplation I learnt that we never really fully learn who we are. Instead we learn to accept that we grow everyday.*
So, I want to be the same old free spirit I was a while ago. Soon change will come. I don't need my melancholy to affect me daily, What I need is happiness, and to be grateful that I am one step closing to understanding myself. And in the meanwhile, I have accepted to enter the road of search, and the beginning of a new chapter. Thank you March.
