March, Who am I?

There's a constant battle between my eyes wanting to cry and the only bite of logic in my head that reminds me to stay sane. It's as if I need to cry, without purpose. My life is going good right now. What is it with all this commotion inside my head. It's a train-wreck!

This weekend I have learnt some really important life lessons, I really don't know where to start. Firstly, friday evening I was meant to work, but had to cancel my shift because I didn't complete my homework to my teacher's standard or shall I say my rival's standard- and FYI we have repeated those very same essay's in the homework pack at least twice. Once for the essay plan, and twice for the hardnote copy in my folder. I wasn't bothered to write the same essay's again! hence why I did one pack of the essay in detail- because I never done the questions before, and rushed the other pack- BTW in utter, complete, and shameful handwriting. But still, I done it! I am a A* predicted student, and got A*-A's in all my essays, I don't want to sound arrogant, but those essay questions B.O.R.E me! And my teacher wouldn't mind my handwriting nor the fact that I missed out a few paragraphs, but those competitive students in my class, who always pick up my every move had to drag full attention on my paper! They yelled out so the entire class noticed "Miss, you are seriously not going to take that in?" And they were right, as much as I hated having to re-do the essays. One thing I learnt was to hold in my words in a moment like this, I could have exposed their effortless work, and to top the fact that they barely done their essays, but instead I was patient and waited to see what would happen. Lo, and behold! They were kept in, till about 6pm! HA! silent victory mohahaa.

Then, on our journey home, I and my best friends usually talk non-stop. But this Friday was dull. It felt like I was the only person trying to make conversation, and I hate one way conversations because I end up answering myself watching Mel and Ivy stare blank at the far distance. Actually, there was some heart beat bringing Ivy back, we laughed, but I was worried for Mel! Something wasn't right, and she needs some TLC. But with a busy weekend I wouldn't be able to speak to her,not yet. Plus, it might just all be in my head. Maybe she was fine, and I was imagining her to not be. I ended my Friday catching up on TV, and made plans to go shopping Saturday for some heels for the wedding, which was fast approaching! My big sister was going shopping too, but with her best-friend, meaning no intruding from me! So, I called upon my girls!G-Town!but Mel was busy preparing for the family party, which is totally cool! And Ivy and I decided to meet up!#Westfield #HereWeCome!

So, the next day, Saturday morning 1'st March. I overhear my mum is hungry, so I run downstairs and prepared her yummy breaky. Since she was dressed and about to go out she probably had no time to eat, that is until I saw the large saucepan of meat she cooked to this event she was going to. Sweet. I gave her the breakfast but she didn't want it, and didn't see my kind gesture; and my hint for #CashInNeed! I told her i'm going out and needed money money £$£$£$$$$ but we ended up agreeing to disagree. I love my mum, and I just can't argue with her. It's so rude and disrespectful to give your mum backchat, and attitude, so I just remain patient hoping she will come around. Plus, I had my own saved money. Booya!

Whilst, already not in the best mood, my 2 lovely and wonderful big sisters happened to add extra spice to the already hot jalapeno sandwich! Yup- we argued too. I left my house furiated, and angry at how no one sympathises or comforts me, and instead they brush my feelings under the mat because apparently I am not allowed to feel sad because that will only make me a little brat who always gets her way. Okay, my sisters love me, and mean no harm, but their love is tough love, no cheese involved. Ah.

Then, on Sunday, there were a lot of moving around in my house, lot's of guests walking in and out, meaning tea refill and out. My mum bought new furniture for the guest room, which meant the inner hoarder side to my family insinuates the old crap needs to be stored in some magical space in I or my sisters room. I didn't point fingers as to what room the rubbish needs to be put in, but we argued. Again. Gotta love familial arguments, really healthy you know.

After a long day, because I was on my feet quite a lot, back and forth to the laundrette- and there was a football match nearby so the streets were filled with hooligans, who FYI are racist. No more to be said.

I detoxed. Had some ME time, took a long and warm bath, and thought. Just that. And something that kept bursting into my head was,who am I? and how would I define myself? it went something like this...(brief, dont wanna sedate you)

I am a 18 year old girl, who still isn't familiar with myself. I am confused as to what I want, and I won't let much define me. For instance my appearance, although I am short, it branches into a lot of things about me; like the grown insecurities ring-fenced around me. And the fact that I am one of the youngest, meaning I am familiar with being un-heard or un-noticed. My whole life I have been best friends with people I have altruistically cared for, and given more than deserved attention and support to. I would be that friend who has 99 problems but on a Monday morning notice from my best friend's behaviour they aren't okay, something is wrong! But never, have I had that in return. Instead people take advantage of my 5 hour phone calls that drag on because I repeat the same advice, and nail down solutions to my friends dramatic lives,and they refuse to accept their outcomes, and my loyalty- I should hope. I want that in return, I want someone to notice I am unhappy, and make me laugh! Who designated Libra's to be entertainers? As Cher from Clueless would say AS IF! I want to be cheered up when my going gets tough. Not vice-versa for once, palees? pls?

I don't know what I want to be, but my main goal is to be happy, which I will hopefully! I've just got to remain super smiley, and have a positive outlook in life. One day our dreams will preceed.

*However, after all my water soaking and mirroring contemplation I learnt that we never really fully learn who we are. Instead we learn to accept that we grow everyday.*

So, I want to be the same old free spirit I was a while ago. Soon change will come. I don't need my melancholy to affect me daily, What I need is happiness, and to be grateful that I am one step closing to understanding myself. And in the meanwhile, I have accepted to enter the road of search, and the beginning of a new chapter. Thank you March.